


Heartache

by TyrusTrashFolk



Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: Angst, Canonical Character Death, Crying, F/M, Grief/Mourning, I’m bad at tagging, Oops, and at naming things, it’s pretty sad just a warning y’all
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-25
Updated: 2020-06-25
Packaged: 2021-03-04 04:40:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,010
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24917719
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TyrusTrashFolk/pseuds/TyrusTrashFolk
Summary: In which, Jessica Davis deals with the loss of her first love.
Relationships: Jessica Davis/Justin Foley
Comments: 2
Kudos: 27





	Heartache

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote this at like 5 a.m. but i like how it turned out shdjdhjs i hope y’all like it!

from the moment jessica found out justin was dying, it felt like her whole world took a tumble. it didn't feel real, it felt like some sort of nightmare she couldn't wake up from. all she could think was _"no, no it can't be true"._ she didn't want to believe that justin foley, her first love, her soulmate, the person she wanted to spend the rest of her life with, was dying. she didn't remember much about finding out, it was all pretty blurry, but she did in fact remember the immediate feeling she got. the awful, painful, gut wrenching feeling. it was unlike anything she'd ever felt before, she wouldn't even wish it upon her biggest enemy. she didn't think it could get any worse than that feeling. 

as soon as she saw him for the first time in the hospital, she couldn't stop the tears from flowing. seeing him look so, so- _god_ , she didn't even know how to describe it. it was then when the feeling became even worse. he couldn't speak yet, so he wrote in a notebook. she sat down next to him, getting as close as possible and wrapping her arms around him. 

"i love you," she whispered, willing herself not to cry even more. "i love you so much." she watched as his shaky hand began to write, "i love you too" as neatly as possible. they sat in his hospital bed like that for hours, communicating back and forth. she noticed a little doodle he made at the top, it was a little infinity sign with the word "infinity" written above it in his handwriting. she always thought highly of the infinity sign, it always meant a great deal to her. 

she pointed at the tiny drawing, "can i have that?" she asked in a quiet voice. the boy shakily wrote "yes, why?" on the paper, to which she shrugged. 

"i just want it, just as a little keepsake or something." she told him simply. hours passed, justin fell asleep. it was time for jess to go anyways, so she slid out of the bed, kissed his forehead and got up. she ripped the whole sheet of paper that he'd responded on out, since he used a completely separate sheet for her. she carefully folded the paper and stuffed it in her pocket before leaving the room. she went home and spent the night up clutching a teddy bear he won for her back in the summer before junior year. it felt like an eternity ago when that happened. back when times were simpler, easier. 

before she knew it, she was going to see justin for the last time. everything had been happening so quickly, she could hardly keep up. it only had been a couple of days since prom, when they finally reunited and were having one of the best nights of their lives. now here they were, getting ready to say their final goodbyes. she almost didn't want to go in the room, thinking _"maybe, just maybe, if i don't go in yet, it won't happen so soon."_ but then again, she knew she couldn't cheat time nor death. she went into the now familiar room for what would be the final time, she once again broke down into tears and he told her not to cry. no matter how hard she tried, there was no way to keep the tears completely gone. the time they spent together felt like two seconds, but in reality, she had no idea how long it really was. she knew it was time for her to go back out to the room, give someone else a chance to say goodbye. she kissed him softly, her thumb stroking his cheek while her other hand threaded through his hair. she pressed her forehead against his, really soaking up this moment. 

jess let out a shaky breathe, "i wish we had more time, and i wish i had more to say, but all i can think right now is that i love you," she looked into his eyes as hers filled with tears. "i love you, justin foley. i love you so, so much. i- fuck, i don't know how i'm gonna do this without you. but, i'll do it. i'll try my best to be strong, i'll live my life to the fullest- well, to the fullest that i can- i'll just, i'll live my life. i can't promise i won't go through long periods of time where i'm sad and angry all the time, times where i'm lost and have no hope, but i'll find my way and push through, for you. i'll make you proud, my love. i'm gonna make you as proud as you've made me." she wiped the tears from his cheeks, going in to kiss him one last time. 

"i love you, jess. you- you're gonna do great things, i- i know you will. you're so strong, and i love you." he told her, stumbling over his words, getting them out as best he could. 

"i love you, too." she said. then came one of her most dreaded moments, the moment she actually had to go. she stood up from her spot in his bed, giving him a watery smile, then turning and walking towards the door. she slid it open slightly, turning around for one final glance at boy she loved most in the world. she couldn't wrap her head around the fact that it would be the last time she ever saw him. leaving his room was the hardest thing she ever had to do, and all she wanted to do was turn and run back into his arms. 

she, as well as many others, sat in the waiting room for what felt like a million years. they all sat there while the jensens stayed in the room, waiting for justin's time to come. it was all waiting now, waiting for someone to come out and tell him he was gone. every time anyone moved, she felt a rush of anxiety. that happened at least seven or eight times before clay, mr. and mrs. jensen came into the waiting room, all looking disheveled. 

"he's gone." mrs. jensen announced, her voice trembling as she began crying once again. jessica felt her heart drop, and it seemed as it the entire world came to a halt. she dropped her head in her hands as she processed the woman's words, painful sobs tearing their way through her throat. it was official, justin foley was dead. the inevitable had happened, and nothing could prepare her for what came after. 

the next week felt like it was all mixed into one ridiculously long day. she rarely left her bed, she spent her time either sleeping or crying, all while wearing the shirts he left behind at her house. she was so grateful she always forgot to give then back. she kept the small teddy bear close once again, reflecting on all her time with him. reflecting on everything, really. she kept thinking of their last conversation, their last day together. he told her not to cry that day, he told her he loved her that day, he told her she was the strongest person he'd ever known that day. but she wasn't, she knew she wasn't. she had no idea how to be strong anymore. in her mind, it was him who made her strong. and now, she had no idea what to do. she didn't know what she was doing anymore. she didn't know how to just, be, anymore. not without justin. 

she had the sheet of paper from the first day she saw him in the hospital framed, though she had his small doodle with the word 'infinity' traced and copied. she looked through all the pictures she had of him over the years constantly, reading through their text messages all the time. she found a conversation where they were talking about a future together, and it felt like a stab to the chest. _  
_

_"we were supposed to spend forever together, to be with one another for the rest of our lives, to get married, have kids, to grow old together, all of it."_ she would always think to herself. 

it was the day of his funeral. she wanted to jump into the coffin and join him, but she knew she couldn't. the service was nice- extremely heartbreaking- but nice, she supposed. after she had went home, she went directly to her room as she typically did. it was a rough night, to say the least. she couldn't stop thinking about how much she missed him, and all the things she'd do just to have him in her arms one last time. she grabbed her phone, clicking on his contact, and hitting the call button. she knew they hadn't deactivated his cell phone yet, and after a few rings it went right to voicemail. 

_"hey, it's justin. foley, justin foley. sorry i missed your call, i'll get back to you as soon as i can, bye."_ the sound of his voice alone brought her to tears, she hit the call button over and over and over. she called at least 15 times, not being able to get enough of the voice she missed so much.

———

 _ **jessica💕**_ :

i really miss your random late night messages. i miss your calls, your texts. i miss your voice, and i miss your eyes. i miss your face, i miss your hair, even when it was messy. i miss your hugs, your kisses, your cuddles, everything. i miss it all, more than i've ever missed anything. i miss you, justin foley. every single thing about you, i miss it. i want nothing more than to be wrapped up in your arms right now, i just want you to hold me and tell me you love me and that everything is gonna be okay. that's all i want. you're all i want. i hope you're doing okay and that you're safe and not in pain anymore. i hope you're joyful, and just finally at peace. i miss you. i love you.   
_delivered 3:24 a.m_.

——— 

the day after graduation, jess took the copied drawing and writing of justin's and took it to a tattoo parlor. she got the symbol and the word tattooed on her wrist in his hand writing to match the paper, it was like her own little extra piece of him to keep with her forever and to honor him. she always wanted to get a tattoo, and she thought this would be special considering it was her first tattoo honoring her first love. 

jessica has messaged justin's phone 4 more times before the jensens had finally deactivated it. it was mostly long, heart felt messages or an extra little goodbye as an extra bit of closure. the texting gave her mixed emotions. it gave her a space to still express how she was feeling to him, but it also hurt a lot knowing he would never read the messages. when jessica davis first met justin foley, she had no idea what she had coming. while she'd been hurt by him many ways, his passing hurt the worst. she knew a part of her heart would never heal, though over time, she felt herself slowly picking herself back up and accepting reality. she also knew that no matter what, she was always gonna love justin. he was the first person she ever truly loved, and that would never go away. she often kept in mind something clay had said at hannah's funeral, "i can love you and still let you go" he had said. and that's what she was working towards. she knew it would take time, lots and lots of time. but she knew it would happen one day. she knew that one day, she would be able to let justin go. and she knew that even once she let him go, the love she has for him would never, ever go away.


End file.
